On being a mother who never wanted to be a mother

Fellow blogger You.Yoga.Now recently mentioned that she doesn’t want children and that mothers often regard that life-choice as lesser than theirs.

It got me thinking, because I am a mother, but maybe one not so common.

If you had asked me two years ago if I wanted to be a mom, I would have said no – and this is one month before delivery. That’s right! As much as I already loved that baby inside my womb, I did NOT want to be a mother.

Why?

Because it scared the living daylights out of me! Not so much because I thought I was incapable of doing the job or because I didn’t like children (well, to be entirely honest, it’s not that I didn’t like them, but I also wasn’t super fond of them). But because I really didn’t want to be a mother.

I didn’t want to be one of those people who gave shit about what diapers they used. Or who only did lame stuff on vacation because all the fun stuff is not baby-compatible. Or who spent her afternoons in playgrounds, playgroup, playdates, play… anything. Most of all, I dreaded the perspective of not being able to sleep as much as I liked anymore. Because I do love me some sleep and even now in my adult years, I’ve been known to sleep 12 hours straight if needed.

Well, now someone does sleep for 12 hours/night and it ain’t me. Because I am a mom. And I give a shit about diapers (because the shitty ones result in more laundry and a cranky baby, which lead to a cranky mom) and I don’t go on vacation anymore because I can’t afford it and it’s too much of a hassle and I spend my afternoon in playgroup, playground, playdates… you name it.

Here comes the big BUT: But I can still relate to the women who are convinced, and proudly say, that kids are not for them. Go you! Go speak you mind and have your own plan.

Do I love my daughter more than my own life?
Most definitely.

Is she the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me?
Without a doubt.

Do I wish everyone to experience the love you feel for your own child?
Yes.

Here’s the difference to all those who are full-on happy-to-be-a-parent-types of people though: Can I imagine a life without my daughter?
Yes.

I remember what it was like and it was good. I remember the plans I had and the stuff I did and the freedom I felt and a lot of that is gone today. Because I have her and because she has me and I’m her person and she’s my person. We need each other now that she’s here and it’s great in its own way.
But I damn well remember the sleeping in when you’ve been out all night. The moving to a different city because you liked it better. The backpacking through wild countries because you wanted to go. The going out for dinner every night because I couldn’t be bothered to cook at home, let alone do the grocery shopping.

So for those women who make an active decision to not have children, but feel looked at by mothers as if their life-choice was the lesser one, please consider this:
not all of us moms were born as moms-to-be. Most of us are stressed out most of the time. Many of us are always tired. Almost everyone of us has not had a relaxing meal without anyone throwing or spitting food around in a long time.
If we look at you like we despise your life choices, maybe there’s also a good bit of envy lining it because we KNOW what it’s like to be you. But you don’t know what it’s like to be us.